Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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