mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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