The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
