Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
