for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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