I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
