i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
