Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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