From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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