Just fell off a train. Bad.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
