is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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