just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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