I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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