you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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