He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
