Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
