there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
