Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
