How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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