Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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