last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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