The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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