she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Randomize
