i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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