omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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