mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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