listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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