I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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