Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
