if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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