just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sorry about my life...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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