they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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