i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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