Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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