Just fell off a train. Bad.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
