Whod you bang
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
