apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
