Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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