I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
