so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
