I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
