I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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