Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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