There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
