I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
