i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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