I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
