It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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