hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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