The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
