I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You're a waste of cheezeits
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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