i just wanna soil my oats bro
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
