Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
